One of the questions I ask my clients a lot is, “What’s wrong with disagreeing?”
Disagreeing is essential in Duncan and my relationship. It has reduced our arguing by miles and miles. For us, it is okay to agree to disagree.
“I don’t want to go biking but my husband thinks it’s important that we all go as a family.
“I would rather not spend every Sunday with my in-laws but my wife gets super defensive when I try and talk to her about it.
“I really love spending time with my girlfriends on occasion but my husband doesn’t like being left alone to get the kids down.
“Every time we have an argument my wife wants to talk about it for hours and it drives me crazy.
“Did you know you can disagree on anything you want? Your spouse might not like it and that really is OK!
“The goal of marriage can’t be seeing eye-to-eye on everything. That would be weird and boring.
“Here’s a simple tip to make disagreeing more tolerable: Don’t NEED your spouse to understand your reasons. Allow them the freedom to be upset about it. It’s really OK.
“It’s perfectly fine for your husband to wish you were biking while you stay home. It’s nice that he wants you along. It’s not a problem that your wife wants to spend every Sunday with her family. That’s not a reason you should go. It’s OK for your husband to have a stressful night getting kids down. Don’t need him to enjoy it. If you’re done talking about feelings, that’s the perfect time to end the discussion. It’s OK if your wife thinks you’re being insensitive. That’s not the reason you’re done.
“It may seem harder to do what feels best when your spouse doesn’t understand or like your reasons, but it’s really good practice to get your own back. The alternative is to resent them for “making” you do all the things. Being an emotional adult means allowing others to be wrong about your reasons. It’s not a problem unless you think they should understand. If they don’t, they shouldn’t and it’s OK.” (by Couples Coaching with Natalie Clay)
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